It’s only a seven letter word but it’s so powerful.  That’s what I’m feeling right now, I feel that I’m being held hostage in a relationship.

I’m haven’t been happy for over two years. I keep telling myself that tomorrow will get better but it doesn’t.  I do something to trigger a jealousy stage or not giving him enough attention.

The moment he threatened me that he would kill himself because he can’t see himself without me is the moment I think I stopped loving him.  No one should hold someone hostage in a relationship just because they fear of losing that person.  I don’t want my kids to not have a father because I was being selfish.

He forced me to tell our kids that I wanted to separate.  Telling my kids was the biggest challenge because I saw how I broke their hearts.  They had seen us fighting but never imagined us trying to separate.  He was childish by telling them that it was me who wanted to separate, that he didn’t, that I stopped loving him.

I feel that whatever is happening between him and I should stay between us.  Our children will always be our kids and those relationships should never change regardless of my relationship with him.  He didn’t see that way.  For two months, we were separated and it was worse. Nothing changed because we were still living together but now he had more hatred towards me. We were fighting more. So I just gave him what he wanted to hear. I agreed to work it out again and again and again.

Relationships are hard but they are more difficult when there is so much bad history.  I can’t let go of all his episodes where he has mistreated me in front of my kids. My kids have this image of me now because he couldn’t hold back. It’s sad to say but I’ve thought about no longer being here on Earth for this pain to go away.  But then I think about my kids and feel guilty for even thinking that way.

Hostage, what a powerful word. I never thought I would be in this position and I never wish anyone to feel the way I’m feeling.