Five months ago I was diagnosed with bipolar depression.  What does that even mean?  Does it mean that I'm mentally crazy? When I heard these words come out of the doctors mouth, I felt like she had given me a death sentence.

I knew I was depressed because I had lost my appetite, had no energy to do anything, and I had severe insomnia. Moms don't get sick days so after months of dealing with my symptoms I finally went to seek professional help. She prescribed me medication so I can finally shutdown my brain at night.  I was so sleep deprived due to depression that I had no patience for anyone around me.

At the same time, that I was diagnosed with this, the main actress of my favorite show was dealing with her obstacles. I like to watch a show named "Homeland".    She had her daughter taken away by child protective services because she was bipolar.  I freaked out watching this because I was just diagnosed and I have three biological kids.  On top of that, I have three foster kids that I care for.

I was afraid to tell my psychiatrist and psychologist that I had children because I feared that they would report to take my kids away.  I finally did tell them but I can't be open about my thoughts because I fear they will judge me and think I'm a threat to my kids.  At the end of this, I'm back to square one holding in my feelings.  I'm taking the medication they are giving me, which is helping me sleep now but I still feel empty inside.

I just submitted my notice to remove my foster kids a week ago.  I think that's the responsible thing to do since I can't seem to function right now. My foster kids have been with me for over two years but I'm just not me right now.

photo credit:https://www.theodysseyonline.com/depression-its-not-all-in-your-head