Every morning I wake up and I can’t seem to physically get up. Something inside me is dead and I can’t shake it off. I tell myself that tomorrow it will be a better day but it’s the same routine. I can’t commit to anything.
When I go to sleep I try to commit to having a routine for the next day to get me out of this darkness that’s in my head. Everyone depends on me to get things done but I can’t even commit to myself.
I have no motivation in life. I’ve been struggling with this feeling for the last eight months now and I can’t get out of this darkness that’s in my mind. We forget that our mind is very powerful and you need your mind to feel motivated to function.
I feel that I’m a horrible mother and wife because I don’t want to be committed to my marriage or be a mom. I hit rock bottom in October 2016 when my family made me quit the one thing that kept me motivated. I’m angry and I don’t feel that they deserve me anymore. I lost my mind after I quit school because they wanted my attention as a mother and wife.
What is a mothers job now? It’s being a cook, driver, and maid for a full day shift with no pay. I didn’t sign up for this when I decided to commit to have kids. Of course I wanted to be a mom but I also wanted to have some individuality. I had given my kids my full undivided attention in the past and since they were teenagers now and where in school all day, I decided to go back to school myself. But they were selfish and wanted my undivided attention. Going to school was making me happy but at the same time making them miserable. I hardly slept because they needed me so I would do my homework after 10 pm to avoid conflicts. I would only get 5 hours of sleep just so they wouldn’t feel the absence of my presence when they would get home. Little did I know, that this was causing resentment inside me. My kids would question why am I always studying. Instead of feeling happy for their mom, they made me feel guilty.
What is being a wife? It’s almost the same roles as a mom except you have a romantic relationship with that person. I couldn’t meet the expectations of being romantic with my husband because I was mentally and physically tired all the time. He would make me feel guilty for being tired because I wanted this for myself. School was just going to be temporary but he didn’t see it that way. He had tried to go to school previously and I fully supported that and now it was my turn and he made me feel guilty for trying to better myself.
I hear the word commitment and I have negative feelings towards it. I can’t commit to getting up. I can’t commit to being married. I can’t commit to being a mom but it’s very painful to hear my darkness. I’m a bad person to feel this way but it’s my mind controlling my emotions now. I wish I could just hit a reset button and forget everything I feel towards my children and husband so I can function again.